


The Hardest Thing

by rannas



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Christmas Eve, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 08:02:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16909209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rannas/pseuds/rannas
Summary: One last night of freedom had seemed like a blessing, but saying good bye without being able to say it is harder then he thought





	The Hardest Thing

One night. That was all he was given. No… this was his choice. His friends faces ran through his head like a slideshow at the highest speed. A constant loop reminding him of all those reasons he would have to turn himself in And it was just the Phantom Thieves. Niijima-sans questioning a month ago made it all too clear that everyone he had surrounded himself in his time in Tokyo was at risk. His life before this had been so boring. His parents had insisted it be that way. They had been furious every time his report card had some comment about smarting off. They told him over and over just to listen and agree, stop questioning authority not matter how wrong it is (they knew better in the end).

He had almost resigned himself to that bleak reality but it turned out the fire in him desiring justice had remained an ember in his heart. One that Shido had breathed into that night- reigniting to a full flame. Which of course was why he was here in the first place. A blessing in disguise. Not that he entered his probation with any intent of causing trouble, he didn’t want to go to jail (irony at its finest in this moment). He was just so tired of watching unfairness happen again and again and being powerless to do anything about it. So of course when he chanced into entering Kamoshida’s castle… he could not resist (maybe that was his problem all along- lack of self control).

But there was no sense in passing up his last night of freedom. Endless options but there was one name on his tongue. One face he needed to see.

Akira pulled out  his phone, and stared at an inbox full of messages. It was Christmas Eve (of all nights). So the wide web of confidants he had spun here had all sent some sort of well wishes. He was not the type to leave people on read and no matter how many messages he had, would always meticulously respond to them all. But he couldn’t, it was too painful to be reminded of all the people he was about to walk away from. Snowflakes landed on his screen, making scrolling difficult. But he had already found the name he was looking for.

Niijima-san had given him this night. And while he owed everyone on this list so much, there was someone he had to see. A face that would remind him just why he was doing this. Not that he could say anything. No. He could not risk anyone talking him out of this. He feared he would be too easily convinced. His thumb presses on Yusuke’s message, and the memory of his confessions springs from his mind like Mementos had from the depths. The intense expression on his face when he told him his feelings. The short but sweet brush of lips together as they affirmed the change in their relationship just a mere few weeks ago. There had been no time to move much farther, but it was fine they had all the time in the world (or so he thought). Akira would have smiled at the memory but the muscles in his face had clearly forgotten how.

>> What a marvelous victory, you are truly an inspirational force of nature.

>> I feel as if I will have inspiration to paint forever now.

>> But first if I may I would request some time with you

>> I know you must be busy but it is Christmas Eve and it is a tradition to spend it with those you care about.

>> Of course, my gift and words can be given freely at any time.

Akira gulped knowing full well that agreeing to meet was going to be incredibly tricky. How do you say goodbye without actually saying it? Without the other person having a clue that you were leaving? How was he supposed to look in his eyes with the knowledge it could be ages until he was able to do so again? Yusuke had always valued his honesty, had always remarked on it. To now meet up with the intention to deceive him? The idea made his stomach turn and bile rise in his throat. But still he responded and they agreed to meet at the Station, Yusuke was for some reason already there and he was only a short walk away.

His time was ticking away. If this were a tv show, there’d be a clock hanging over his head, counting down the seconds until he gave away his freedom. But Yusuke couldn’t see that. He needed to keep his best blank expression. That same face he had every day in class to lower suspicion (not that it worked). Yusuke stood outside the station, white flakes dusting his dark hair, eyes brightening when they met with his own.. A sight that had him digging his nails into his palm to stop himself. From what, he wasn’t quite sure. Crying, throwing up, screaming what he was about to do and begging him to stop him. _Control_. He was Joker, always in control, ready for whatever. This was just another challenge, no less daunting than Yaldabaoth. But he’d rather take down God a second time then lie to his friends like this.

“Ah Akira, it is so lovely to see you.” Yusuke’s smile was bright and warm.

“You too.” He puts all his effort into forcing the muscles in his face to smile, knowing he at best got something like a wistful grin. But Yusuke says nothing to suggest anything was off and they took off across Shibuya. The snow remained light, it was a surprising beautiful night. Cold but not unbearably so. Clear, with the lights of the city reflecting off the falling snow, practically magical.

“It is pretty crowded.” Akira frowned. This was his first time being out on Christmas Eve with someone, and the first time he’d ever experienced it in the city. “Guess you could get some quality people watching in”

“Ah, but there is only one person I wish to watch tonight.” Akira’s breath caught in his throat. Yusuke’s intensity and sincerity overwhelming as always.

Akira ghosted his fingers over Yusuke’s hand, running his fingers along Yusuke’s slowly before going back to his own side. It was not like he cared what other people thought, nor did Yusuke. And likely all these male-female couples would not even be bothered by two boys holding hands, but he refused to let any potential ignorant and hateful comments ruin their evening. One day, when he had more time, they would stroll through parks, museums, and everywhere they might care to- hand in hand- to hell with what anyone else thought. For now they conversed, mostly recapping the events of earlier. Discussing how strange this whole area had been when it had merged with Mementos. Yusuke spoke at length of all the things he wanted to paint after seeing it all and Akira attempted his best playful banter in return joking about how he’d be hard pressed to find any models for the kind of things they saw. It was familiar and comfortable and hopefully exactly what he needed to have the strength for what came next.

The city was full of couples. Holding hands and whispering with flushed cheeks and warm smiles. But it didn’t matter. They walked through the city like they had many times before, and Akira almost could forget how little time he had left. If only they could do this forever, but soon places would close and hunger and fatigue would kick in. He had suggested grabbing food but they had still not settled on a place.

“It is not looking likely we will find any food place with vacancies.” Yusuke rubbed his stomach. He wasn’t wrong. Everywhere was packed and the lines were long. Any place without a long line was ridiculously expensive. And while he was more than willing to drop money on Yusuke- he really did not have that kind of funds after prepping for the final battle.

“I still have the box of snacks in my room.” The box they had filled for Phantom meetings was still well stocked, and while it wasn’t a nice dinner or a cake. It was better than nothing. And he was pretty sure Ann had not eaten all the daifuku. That would be an adequate substitute. And he always kept jagariko in stock since he know how much Yusuke enjoyed it. A far cry from gourmet food and a homemade cake which many of the couples they had seen would be enjoying. One day he’d take Yusuke out to a meal like that. Maybe when he was locked away, they’d give him pen and paper and he could start his own promise list of things he needed to do if and when he ever got out.

Yusuke’s chuckle brought him back to the moment, “How fancy we will be eating junk food on such a day.” Akira gave another half smile, still unable to fully get his face to cooperate. So they got on the subway and headed back to Yongen Jaya, the guilt while momentarily forgotten still churning in gut, making it hard to keep eye contact with Yusuke as he detailed a new book he was reading for inspiration. Something about something called Jungian psychology. The name sounded kind of familiar maybe something one of the teachers had talked about but he wasn’t sure. Akira was finding it difficult to focus on anything else but how fast time was slipping away.

Leblanc was empty when they arrived. Sojiro cleaning the counter. The couples that filled every other place in Tokyo conspicuously absent, “And here I thought I was finally going to get some business.” Sojiro sighed and tossed down his rag. “Sorry, I packed everything away, hopefully you ate when you were out.”

“Yeah, we’re good.” Yusuke echoed his statement with a simple nod. The boys didn’t know how to respond about the lack of business. But Akira knew it was better to just lie on this one and not make Sojiro feel guilty. He put on a show about being annoyed about his friends always being around but Akira knew the soft spot the cafe owner had for feeding Yusuke. Ever since Yusuke gifted the Sayuri to this place, he always felt like Sojiro and Yusuke had a special sort of bond, one of course strengthened from Yusuke’s side when continually being offered the house curry.

“Well. Futaba has been texting me nonstop about getting her a cake. So I guess I better go get the kid some takeout.” Sojiro rubbed his chin and then put on his jacket. “You two going to be okay?” His gaze lingers on Akira, and he all a sudden felt as if somehow Sojiro knew something. He doubted Sae would have said anything to him but the x-ray level stare he was getting right now made him feel like somehow had it all figured out.

He nodded his head. Too afraid anything else he said to Sojiro would somehow give himself away. He turned to Yusuke. “Wanna go to my room?” He tilted his head towards the stairs. Sojiro shot him another look. One that clearly said _‘you all better behave, I just got this place cleaned up’._ Yusuke was clearly unaffected by the look as he merely wished Sojiro goodnight and commented on how nice the current brew smelled. It was his special holiday blend, dark and aromatic, a scent that could warm you without even taking a sip. Honestly, it was just nice to see the shop looking like normal again after Shido’s henchmen wrecked the place. Another reminder of why he had to do this. No more watching the people he loved get hurt.

He echoed Yusuke’s goodnight and told him to tell Futaba they said hi (he was not quite sure if Leblanc was still bugged by her). The bell  on the door chimed as Sojiro departed. Akira flipped the sign and locked the door before following him upstairs.

Thankfully, the new blend’s smell had already permeated the attic. Making it feel a lot warmer than it actually was. He had been eyeing space heater from the shop across the street ever since the temperature dropped. But that was probably a moot point. Who knows if it would even be cold when he got out… would this attic even still be home? Akira wasn’t really sure how Sojiro was going to react to his inevitable imprisonment. Things have really changed since their first meeting when the only thing that mattered to him was that he stayed out of trouble (he had clearly NOT done so). Sojiro had done so much for him… one day he would be able to repay him. To repay everyone. So lost in his own thoughts, he didn’t realize Yusuke was staring at him with his head tilted. “Are you alright Akira? You seem rather distracted this evening.”

“Yeah of course, just tired you know.” Was he getting sick? It felt as if his throat was closing up every time he lied, as he had to painfully swallow everything he actually wanted to say.

“Understandable, of course it’s been quite a day. I can hardly believe it myself.” Akira finally noticed that Yusuke was carrying a small, immaculately wrapped gift. His guilt intensified at the sight. Yusuke had been planning for this. Akira clearly had not. Little gifts from Yusuke already were part of his rooms decoration. The nude statue replica definitely the weirdest (not that it had stopped him from displaying it) but his favorite was the star stickers. A nice reminder every night of his friend and the time they spent at the planetarium.

“I have something I would like to give you.” A redness bloomed in Yusuke’s cheek that filled him with a warmth equal to a cup of Leblanc coffee. Akira took the wrapped package silently, carefully removing the dark blue wrapping and silver ribbon. Yusuke’s sense of aesthetics impeccable as always. When he was a kid, he had always shaken presents to guess what was in them, but in this moment he was really just wanting a good surprise in his life.

In the box was a keychain with hand painted wood charms hanging off of it. Two small masks. A black and white one mirroring his metaverse one he wore as Joker and a kitsune mask that looked exactly like Yusuke’s. It was intricate and detailed and absolutely stunning. Every detail meticulously hand painted, even their codenames in teeny script on the back. 

“I must confess that I did not carve them myself. I do not have the skill to work with wood at that level. A classmate did so off of my design. I had never really painted such small pieces, it was a worthy challenge for my skills.”

“I love it.” That lump in his throat was getting him all choked up again. They had confessed but never really got along to the whole defining what they were part. Dating? Boyfriends? He wasn’t sure. Perhaps it was an artist thing, all the ambiguity. But really it was the fact they had no time. And it’s pretty hard to be official when you are “officially” supposed to be dead. But that didn’t matter. He should have gotten him something. That art book he always stopped to look over when they passed the bookstore, the paintbrushes he had been saving up for and also possibly starving himself a bit for, or even just plush toy from the arcade. “I’m sorry. I should have gotten you something.”

“You have given me more than one person could ever ask for in a lifetime. The guidance you have given me in this troubled time of mine has been priceless. You saved me. There is no greater gift than that.” His heavy lidded smile inspiring Akira to pull him into a hug, clasping onto his shirt and holding tight. A sharp intake of breath in surprise before Yusuke melted into the hug, resting his head above Akira’s own. Akira whispered a “Thank you” by his ear. Part of him wishing he could say different words, ones that truly captured his affection for this boy, but ones that would make this immensely more difficult.

They pulled apart slowly, Akira’s arms still on Yusuke’s shoulders unwilling to let go of the moment. Yusuke’s soft voice breaking the silence, “I do worry about you… all this fame the Phantom Thieves are receiving. Shido was the talk of the dorms when I returned there earlier.” Heart began to pound. Did he somehow know? “Of course no one know what really happened. Surely they won’t try to cover it all up.The public would not allow it…” Akira could have sworn the attics floor started tilting as Yusuke entered this very dangerous train of thought.  His arms dropped, it felt like they suddenly weighed 100 pounds. Sweat pooled at the back of his neck. This was too hard. Maybe it was a mistake after all.

And now there was no question Yusuke knew something was up, his eyes narrowed and lips pursed. “Something is going on Akira. What are you hiding from me?”

“N-nothing. I’m fine.” Biting down on his lip, Akira knew he was doing a terrible job hiding. He didn’t stutter like this. He had to get himself together before he did something foolish and let his plans slip.

“Do you not think I have not observed you so carefully to not be able to see changes in your demeanor?” The hurt in his voice was clear, and it was like a knife to his chest. “I have tried to ignore it. I just wanted to spend time with you.” And the knife turned. That’s all he wanted as well. To see his face again before facing down his uncertain future. “I think it is time I go.” The coldness in his voice stronger than a thousand Bufu spells.

“Yusuke… please just stay a little longer.” Akira grabbed his hand impulsively. He should let him leave, spare both of them from this awkward and painful farce. But he wasn’t ready to let go yet.

“No. Not like this.” His deep voice was firm, but he did not pull away. Akira pulled his hand in and tipped Yusuke’s balance off, pulling him towards him. Lips colliding messily. Yusuke’s were soft, and he could distinctly taste vanilla chapstick. Relief flooded through him as Yusuke responded and Akira kissed him desperately in return. It was different than the other times when they had been so in synch. Yusuke lips were slow and searching and Akira feverishly taking in all he could. Strange a kiss could be so satisfying and yet so confusing at the same time. Too much and yet not enough at the same time leaving tears slowly and silently falling down his face as they kissed. He had no idea how long they went, but far too soon they were separating slowly, lightly pressing foreheads together before separating. The silence fully hit him then, and Yusuke was still searching his face, forehead knit together in some tangled mess of hurt, confusion, anger and other emotions Akira could not blame him for.

“You’re crying.” Yusuke lifted his hand to wipe the tears, using one finger and tracing his cheekbone like a paintbrush over canvas. He wanted to grab that hand, pull him in again for another kiss. Pull him to his bed where they could wrap themselves so tightly he could forget about what he had to do in mere hours.

“I only wish you would lean on me as I have on you so many times.” His voice cracked and face twisted as he turned and walked away, pausing only for a second at the top of the stairs. “Goodbye Akira.” Yusuke did not look at him, just continued on his way.. Akira stood still and wordless, unable to form any sort of response. And as badly as he wanted to chase after him, to pull him back into his arms and apologize endlessly, he didn’t. His footsteps continued until the bell rang and he was alone in deafening silence. The voice in his head somehow echoing across the empty attic.

**There’s no telling what they will do to you or your teammates.**

Niijima-san’s voice. The endless mantra that had been plaguing him all evening. He set an alarm for early but he doubted he would sleep at all. He realized they had never ate, but it didn’t matter, his stomach was turning too much to even attempt to eat something. He laid in his bed and stared at the wood planks of the ceiling, dotted with bright green star stickers and waited for his last hours of freedom to slowly and excruciatingly tick away. The hurt on Yusuke’s face as he walked away burned in his brain, haunting him as he fiddled with the wooden charms on his keychain and reassured himself….

**I’m making the right choice. This is the only way.**

**Author's Note:**

> The Christmas Dates are all so sad and I loved them and like all the dates the boys deserved one too. Un-beta'd


End file.
